plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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