i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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