i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
