two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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