I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
