Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
