apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
