i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
