Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
