i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
