You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
