why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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