Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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