I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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