she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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