i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
