how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
