In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
