Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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