May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
