Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
