Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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