I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
