so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
