textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
