a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I looked at my own cervix.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
