Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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