the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
