she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
