So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
