i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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