If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
