Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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