Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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