your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
