there's paper in my vomit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
