You know, be my cock's hype man.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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