hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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