I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
