Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
zippers are such a cool invention
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
