Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
