Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
