I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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