i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
