I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
