I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
