the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
