A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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