Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
