we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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