Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
