I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
