yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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