dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
