I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
