After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
