The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
