Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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