OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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